Saturday, October 15, 2005!
HandWritten on; 1:11 PM
i had plans wif my frenz todae actualli. bud cancelled it becuz of the meeting i had todae. bout 2hrs or so? i dunno? tok bout many things and sumthing bout mi? i din noe tt tis thing was still in the mind. wad *** saw was months ago. i m not saying anything bad or wad or going against her. anyway its over. and i said i nv do it wif frm the bottom of my heart. juz wanna sae once doesn = to seldom. need to tok to alot of pple. need to change myself back to the old mi. need to do stuff which ain in the control of my hands. need to lend pple a listening ear. need to hind my feelings and smile. Things i hav to do. facing the music is 1 thing to do. bud y not i run away frm it. hide in my own corner. my own world. nobodies noes hu i m. wad i m and how i m. i dunno wads up wif myself. m i realli suffering frm depression? as wad he said? is this the lfie i wanna live up to? my life ain lyk any fairy tale which will lead to a happily eva after ending. which pple tink it would be. look. i have nv tried hiding things frm pple. much less destroy things or lead things to misunderstanding. y heck wld i do tt? dun i hav enuf probz fer my own body to handle? won't u tink i will juz collapse and die? life can nv be predictable. which i always wanna it to be. Maybe eating is how i take away my fustrations on things. i find it difficult to smile at pple now a daes. wads wrong wif mi?! i mean nobody noes my probz. i noe it isn their fault and stuff. bud i realli dunno wad i m becomnig. i may juz become a monster tomorrow. or juz lying in the hospital. nobody noes. maybe its realli mi.. i shld blame fer all this tt hav happen. where is the old solana?! wad happen to her?! where is the solana that wans everione aroundher to be happi. and dun mind doing everithing and anything fer her frenzz.. where is she??? someone juz tell me. where she has gone.. plz =(
