Thursday, May 17, 2007!
HandWritten on; 10:59 PM
If u don't want to read on at a certain point, u can just close this. I will just tell u now, whatever i write is based on my feelings now. Some things that i type will hurt the both of us
I feel upset, disappointed and very confused. Is good enough to suffer it on my own without telling anyone yet i still have to put up a false front. Whats most hurtful is that i don't know how to express it to anyone and everyone. I just keep tearing towards myself. Even how bad i want someone to see me tear, i know there won't be anyone i want to know. Let go of me, I want to cry my heart out. Scream my heart out. Rip my heart apart. My eyes never seem dry. My anger within me filled with hatred, my revengeful eyes have definitely taken over that personality. I am a looser ok ?! GONER! Sometimes i just wished u have read my mind know what definitely is in it. But yah right. How can expect people who bore me, loved me and take me as a pioirity know. HAH! I don't even know what i am thinking. Don't i even have a clue to know has happen to me. Should i reset my set of piorities.
Is like a damaged mouse. I am still banging it. Smashing it. Getting angered because it can't work properly when i can just spend some money and buy a new mouse to replace it. I am the damaged mouse causing the people who care for me getting unhappy and upset because of me. Why not go find a new mouse, a new someone. Someone who can strengten my strengths and cover my weakness. me being a perfectionist. RIGHT! I have been idling long enough. Causing enough casualities among me. I know it through my head that i am nth a but burden. But if someone would really find a replacement for me, I will just smile and walked away and blame noOne but myself. It just hurts myself even more when i type all these out. Tears never stop flowing this never ending aile. They say tears are like precious gems and pearls. My tears are just garbage waiting to be cleared by my hands and thrown away.
Why am i feeling emotional? Why am i doing this to myself? Why can't i accept criticism? Why can't i be the person to make him smile when he feel sad? I can't I learn and understand the jokes made? Why is this me? Why am i so hot tempered? Quick tempered? Stubborn? Never admitting my mistakes? So forgetful? So vulnearable?
Even if i feel vulnerable will i get what i wished i had. I have just destroyed my only source. With my own bare hands. Being heartless inconsiderable of his feelings. I am so self centered. Sympatatic to 1 self. Compare, compare, compare. Since u are so competitive! GO COMPARE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE LOUSIER, STUPIDER AND WITHOUT FRIENDS. OKAY! GO COMPARE! SOLANA I HAVE ENOUGH OF YOU! GET A LIFE ALRIGHT! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! THATS IT!
Slaps 1 self. I wonder i am going to slap how many times +)
